Trip From Hell, Beaver Creek Colorado 08

8:15 am on a thursday my alarm clock from my phone rings.  Usually i wake up right before any alarms and thus avoid the annoying ring that my cell phone offers.  Unfortunately this time i was not as fortunate, i should have taken it as a sign.  I took my time that morning getting ready eventhough i was only half packed for a ski trip to colorado and gave myself about 45 minutes to get to the aiport.  I woke up, checked email and sports scores, fantasy basketball statistics, ate a bowl of cereal, looked at a lil porn, finished packing, got dressed and finally exited.  It was 9am and my flight was at 10:30.  Luckily i live in Astoria Queens and live only five minutes from LaGuardia airport.  I found a cab with relative ease, through my bags in the trunk, hopped in the back seat and we took off.  Besides the cabby taking a rather roundabout way to get to the airport, it was an uneventful ride... until i hopped out of the cab, got my bags, closed the drunk and then he took off.  I checked my pockets to find that my cell phone had indeed fell out of my pocket and now was pulling away from me, already speeding down the terminal dodging other yellow cabs and frightened pedestrians.  I turned to the porter who immediately knew my dilemma as he offered "Ill watch the bags, go get em young fella!" I took off down the LaGuardia terminal with incredible speed, the fastest i had ran since my older brother caught me dismembering his porn stash when i was in highschool.  Of course this alarmed everyone 

as people all stopped and stared at what was obviously the next attack on our countries home soil.  The cab was only 20 feet away but sadly my speed and endurance left much to be desired and soon enough he pulled out of sight.  Awesome. 

 

I was supposed to meet my father, step mom, lil bro and his gf at the airport as they had arrived earlier and came from ct.  I knew we would eventually find eachother at the gate but i was sure that since the last text i sent my lil bro was "im not coming, have fun" and now i was most definitely not answering phone, that he was probably a bit confused.  I arrived at the gate and saw no one.  I explained my situation to a United Airlines employee who allowed me to use her cell phone but alas the very old Greek cabbie was not answering my phone.  Sweat covered, exhausted and angry i sat down and decided to let it go.  Worse things could happen, ill just try again later and hopefully the driver will answer before i get on the plane.  It was then that i remembered i had naked pictures on my phone and part of me didnt really want him to discover my phone there at all.  Then i convinced myself that everyone has naked pictures on their phones these days, at least my generation.  My father arrived eventually, rolled his eyes and gave one of his condescending remarks before we finally realized that the flight was pushed back an hour.  At that moment i tried again and luckily the old Greek man answered my phone but lamented that he was unfortunately "all the way in brooklyn" and that i must "compensate him" for his time.  So i bummed 40 bucks from my dad got my phone back and made sure the nudie pix were safe.  Problem averted. 

 

Shortly after though a new problem arose.  My father and step mother were comfortably booked in first class while my lil brother, his gf and i were all supposed to be stowed away in economy class.  Unfortunately due to "numerous cancellations over the previous days due to inclement weather" and other snafus we no longer had seats.  1130 am passed and there was about 25 people in line watching as flight 180 to Denver took off without them, us included.  Luckily my dad is enough of a son of a bitch that he found himself being dealt with first and soon enough we were on a 20 seater to Baltimore with free Vouchers from United Airlines and a connecting first class flight for all of us to Denver.  Of course instead of arriving at 3 pm Colorado time, we would be arriving at midnight.   

 

To add to all of this i had a friend arrive at 4 am from NYC to join us on our wonderful ski adventure 08!  Ryan arrived groggy and frayed in the middle of the night and immediately went to sleep.  I awoke at 8 am and peered out the window to find the most gorgeous clear blue skies and strikingly white mountains that i had ever seen.  The day before was certainly long and frustrating but it would all be worth it soon enough.  I let Ryan sleep in and figured Dad and I would hit the slopes early.  The morning was incredible, besides my father yelling at me periodically you couldnt have asked for a better morning.  

Around noon everyone else met up with us.  It was at this point that i felt a pressure on my stomach.  Instead of listening to such pains i decided to scarf down a medium rare burger with blue cheese and portabello mushrooms.  Then i took Ryan up the mountain.  Now let me first say that Ryan had some time off work and wanted to get out of NYC and it just so happened coincided with my trip to Beaver Creek Colorado with my family.  So of course i offered and he accepted (he more asked and i said ok) but he didnt tell me that he had only skied once in his life about ten years before.  Thus Friday afternoon was left to teach Ryan how to ski so that he could keep up with the rest of the fam for the duration of the trip.  Within the first quarter of Ryans beginner green run he was on his ass winded and complaining that i had to slow down.  Mind you, Ryan claims to be the most athletic of my friends (i think we disproved it this trip).  By 4pm Ryan could hardly move from exhaustion and the pain in my stomach had invaded the rest of my senses and i felt an odd imbalance in my system.  Within the next half hour i projectiled vomited all over my bathroom.  Everything from the last week came up, the Chipotle Burrito, chips and guacamole, sushi, brown rice, chicken fingers, steak sandwich and of course the burger from earlier that day.  I hadn't blown that much chunk since i drank a bottle of vodka by myself for Las Fillas in Valencia Spain (i ended up making out with some hot canadian chick Jennie Byrd and eventually spewed on her leg i think?).   I then passed out on the bathroom floor.  

 

I woke to find my father asking Ryan and i if we were coming to dinner.  When we declined the offer he was very upset.  Not because he would miss our company but because "i have reservations for six, now you two arent coming, i hope they dont make me fucking pay for you two!!!"  Always so sympathetic.  Meanwhile I could hardly move.  The pain in my stomach was horrendous.  It felt like a lil man was extending all his extremities and attempting to push through my stomach wall.  Ryan was passed out on my bed and himself complaining of various pains that i brushed off and thought to myself "Jesus i never knew Ryan was such a pussy".  By the middle of the night Ryan and i both had the chills, aches and pains.  Although i couldnt keep anything down, Ryan could not keep anything up and thus we were quite the twosome going back and forth on the toilet that night.  Ryans body ached so much he took a bath at 1 am which inspired me to do the same at 2am and again at 5 am.  Neither of us slept.  It was arguably one of the worst nights of either of our lives and i dont know if sharing the experience with someone was for better or worse.  It definitely gives a different definition to the term wingman.  (Ill never forget coming out of the toilet at 1 am to find Ryans naked Asian ass in the bathtub,  side note - Asians hardly have any hair on their bodies, incredible)  

 

The next day my father was jonesin to hit the slopes and spend quality time with his son.  I know this because he woke me up at 7 45 am to ask me.  Still awake, eyes crusted open and stuck in the fetal position i declined his offers again.  He slammed the door and went off on his own.  Ryan had not slept either and his trips to the toilet had not subsided at all.  I thought to myself "sucka, at least im not projectile vomiting anymore!".  We spent the day sleeping and resting.  Much to my fathers and step moms chagrin, my lil brother Erik (17) took this as a window to stay in with his gf.  Im sure the thought "If tony doesnt have to ski then why do i" went through his brain and he used it to perfection.  He claimed they were not feeling well either and went to her room to "rest and get better".  Im sure they rested up.  

 

By the end of the day Ryan had booked a flight home.  Defeated and dejected Ryan packed his bags and went home early to NYC.  My family had seen him for a total of four hours on the mountain.  I dont think they will ever have him on a family vacation again nor do i think he will ever ski again.  I went to sleep that night tired, weak and a bit bummed but at least my stomach was starting to feel better... that is until the morning time.  I forced myself to ski on the third day for two hours.  With lil food in my system and rather lightheaded from the altitude and numerous drugs i glided down the mountain.  When i arrived home a new ailment had arrived... instead of having problems keeping things down i was now like Ryan, having trouble keeping things up.  The next thirty hours would prove to be the most trying and challenging that my stomach, intestines and ass sphincter would ever endure.  I pissed fire out of my ass, my ass exploded in ways that would rival Gettysburg or Cloverfield.  My waste would change the colors of the spectrum from a mustard yellow to a dark green.  At one point i was glued to the toilet for 45 minutes straight, legs and feet numb, head hanging in my hands, i finally knew what it was like to be in Sub-Saharan Africa.  

 

It is the last day of the trip, we leave tomorrow.  Today i went 17 hours without a bowel movement before finally having a solid one.  I think back at the last few days and what they meant to me.  Good friends, spending time with family and appreciating the lil things in life, like a cell phone with nudie pix on it and solid poop.  (The attached picture is me on the toilet)

Its the lil things that really make life worth living.