4 Minutes to Save Straight Men and Women All Over

Is it me or does anyone else think of Captain Hook and Smee when they hear "4 Minutes" by Madonna and JT.  Every time Madonna chimes in "Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock" i just think of Robin Williams in a liatard trying to stick Dustin Hoffman and Bob Hoskins with a wooden stick.  At some point in the song the clocktower alligator has to start dancing.  Also if you are gonna write a song with a hook "We only got 4 minutes to save the world" , wouldn't it make sense to actually make the song 4 minutes?  I assume they are saying that a boy and girl gyrating to their music will infact save the world in that short amount of time (save it from what though i have no idea, bad music maybe?).  But then they are leaving out all homosexuals across the planet since they specifically targeted a man and woman together (republican agenda?).  I find this last part especially alarming considering that most of the modern world knows that Madge has dipped her tongue in Georgia O' Keefes ink well.  

Hmm... something is a miss within the pop world.    

Wedding Season and the Bachelor

The last six weeks i have been traveling all over the northeast, Midwest and parts of Canada as I've been wedding hopping as a single bachelor.  I am in my late twenties and have been fully entrenched in the wedding season of my life for the last two years.  Weddings present all of us with great reasons to drink, dance and have sex with random wedding goers all whilst feeling a sense of loneliness, togetherness, regret, positivity and ultimately massive confusion.  With that said here are a few pointers ... 

1.  I have been to a dozen or so weddings the last few years.  They have run the gamut of weddingness.  A wonderfully ornate and over the top wedding in Egypt, followed by a low key one in a friends back yard in Philly.  Another wedding set up in the most beautiful islands of Lake Superior in Canada and another in the concrete jungle of NYC .  What I've realized is that it doesn't matter where you are, it just matters how drunk you get with your friends.  If you drink a lil and remain conscious then ultimately you ll be left with your thoughts and that's always dangerous in large groups of drunk people.  If you are single like i am, you start wondering why you are indeed still single while all your friends have seemingly found happiness with another.  So its necessary that you drink as much as possible so you forget it all.  Also drinking makes the next point easier... 

2.  The wedding hookup.  There are always single people at weddings and that's what can really make a wedding fun.  I'm not saying to whore yourself out.  But really its up to your own moral agenda how promiscuous you decide to act.  And that's whats great about weddings, there is no moral agenda.  Its like this vacuum of ethical ambiguity that excuses all type of scandalous behavior.  In fact being a slut is almost encouraged at weddings, as long as you are not the bride or groom.  People expect emotions to flow.  When emotions flow so do bad decisions.  Weddings are the only place where bad decisions are allowed, well weddings and war.  So embrace it.  And if you cant find someone that you find attractive, then keep drinking!!! At a recent wedding a friend approached me with a scouting report.  We both agreed that the best we could find was a 6 out of 10.  Hours later i was quoted as saying "Drunk at 3am, those 6's quickly become a 7."  So true.  Moving on... 

3.  Weddings are frickin' expensive.  We all know this to be true.  But with the economy tanking its even more so.  Plus with their actually being a "wedding season" they hit you one after the other and its easily enough to bankrupt a person.  What is worse is that you cant make the bride or groom feel guilty about it because its "their day."  Maybe a few months down the road but not at the wedding.  They key to all this is to remember each guest has one year to deliver the wedding gift.  Its amazing how many people don't know this.  I guess one year there had to be a guy who went postal during wedding season after the banks foreclosed on his home.  SO they made an addendum and now we all have up to a year after the date of the wedding to get a gift for our beloved "just married" friends.  Thank god for this rule.  Just remember though that you get to bankrupt all your friends one day with your own destination wedding.  I'm going to Hawaii bitches. 

4.  Dance!!! Don't be a sour puss at wedding!  Dance your ass off.  Even if you are a horrible dancer, which most of us are (except for me, I'm awesome) dance anyway!  Its the best way to have fun with your friends.  Generally good bands play at weddings, fun bands that play up to the crowd, so just let loose.  But be aware of the dreaded "electric slide."  If you get caught in that crush you are likely to pull a muscle or tear a ligament. 

So if you are single these are just a few tidbits to remember or just live by.  If you have trouble remembering them then please feel free to rent Wedding Crashers or just wait for it to air on TBS (but that's not nearly as good because they have to edit out a lot, including all the boobies).  Oh , its true what they said too, tattoo on the lower back - might as well be a bulls eye.