Sex and Coffee

There is a Hustler porn store on Sunset Ave here in LA. This is not a surprise as Los Angeles is universally accepted as the porn capitol of the United States. Its not surprising considering that Larry Flynts, Flynts Publications is located in LA. Its not surprising even though its in the middle of a bustling area full of restaurants, hotels and clubs for locals and tourists alike. Its not surprising considering the Hollywood walk of fame is close by and so is the Kodak Theater where the Academy Awards are held. Its not surprising that Hardcore porn DVDs are located inside. Its not surprising that sex toys including vibrators, dildos, sex swings and accessories such as condoms, lotions, cuffs are located inside. Its not surprising that lingerie and busty salespeople are located inside either.

What is surprising is that within this delectable den of carnal capitalism lies a coffee shop. Within the Hustler store there is a cafe where one doesn't only have to fantasize about munching on carpet but also can literally munch on a delicious blueberry scone and chase it down with a freshly brewed coffee or even a double skim cappuccino.

"May i have a caramel macchiato to go with my double sided dildo please?" Thank you!!

Praise the Lord

Can you love too much... one step towards the middle, one step towards the edge. My arms come around your hips and i want to take you, just this once so we can remember what it was like when we were desperate enough to give in, inside and outside as long as its side by side.

Hummingbirds flitter by and say "la la la" - it sounds like a soul song and it takes you back to the doo wop and the bee bop... the days when i could carry your books back from school right up to your doorstep and your mother would yell me off your front stoop. I would come back once the moon set and throw pebbles at your window waiting for venus to kiss your lips and you to say good evening.

hand in hand
flowers by your bedside
diary under your mattress
you sing in the mirror
about me
and what it will be like

stay with me tonight, just for a lil while, ill touch you tenderly and we will remember what it was like our first time, nervous gestures, holding my breath when we are close just in case its not pleasant, your fingertips in my mouth resting on my teeth, biting your neck just so softly. we wont fuss, we wont cry, its all we need. the first time wasnt perfect but thats why we keep working at it, we want to get it right so we can do it again and again.

everytime is the last time, its on our mind and we practice it again and again. our love should be a motown song sung by marvin gaye and tammy terrell. ill be your preacher and you will pray, on your knees with your hands together, speaking in tongues and blessing oh lord,

oh lord
oh lord
oh lord

pray for forgiveness, pray for mercy, cuz it has cum
over and over again, no need to stay on your knees because soon you will need to be on your back, laying down and letting jesus becum you, cross your hand over your chest, up down, left right, once again just to be sure

when im done with you, you will know heaven

Wedding Season and the Bachelor

The last six weeks i have been traveling all over the northeast, Midwest and parts of Canada as I've been wedding hopping as a single bachelor.  I am in my late twenties and have been fully entrenched in the wedding season of my life for the last two years.  Weddings present all of us with great reasons to drink, dance and have sex with random wedding goers all whilst feeling a sense of loneliness, togetherness, regret, positivity and ultimately massive confusion.  With that said here are a few pointers ... 

1.  I have been to a dozen or so weddings the last few years.  They have run the gamut of weddingness.  A wonderfully ornate and over the top wedding in Egypt, followed by a low key one in a friends back yard in Philly.  Another wedding set up in the most beautiful islands of Lake Superior in Canada and another in the concrete jungle of NYC .  What I've realized is that it doesn't matter where you are, it just matters how drunk you get with your friends.  If you drink a lil and remain conscious then ultimately you ll be left with your thoughts and that's always dangerous in large groups of drunk people.  If you are single like i am, you start wondering why you are indeed still single while all your friends have seemingly found happiness with another.  So its necessary that you drink as much as possible so you forget it all.  Also drinking makes the next point easier... 

2.  The wedding hookup.  There are always single people at weddings and that's what can really make a wedding fun.  I'm not saying to whore yourself out.  But really its up to your own moral agenda how promiscuous you decide to act.  And that's whats great about weddings, there is no moral agenda.  Its like this vacuum of ethical ambiguity that excuses all type of scandalous behavior.  In fact being a slut is almost encouraged at weddings, as long as you are not the bride or groom.  People expect emotions to flow.  When emotions flow so do bad decisions.  Weddings are the only place where bad decisions are allowed, well weddings and war.  So embrace it.  And if you cant find someone that you find attractive, then keep drinking!!! At a recent wedding a friend approached me with a scouting report.  We both agreed that the best we could find was a 6 out of 10.  Hours later i was quoted as saying "Drunk at 3am, those 6's quickly become a 7."  So true.  Moving on... 

3.  Weddings are frickin' expensive.  We all know this to be true.  But with the economy tanking its even more so.  Plus with their actually being a "wedding season" they hit you one after the other and its easily enough to bankrupt a person.  What is worse is that you cant make the bride or groom feel guilty about it because its "their day."  Maybe a few months down the road but not at the wedding.  They key to all this is to remember each guest has one year to deliver the wedding gift.  Its amazing how many people don't know this.  I guess one year there had to be a guy who went postal during wedding season after the banks foreclosed on his home.  SO they made an addendum and now we all have up to a year after the date of the wedding to get a gift for our beloved "just married" friends.  Thank god for this rule.  Just remember though that you get to bankrupt all your friends one day with your own destination wedding.  I'm going to Hawaii bitches. 

4.  Dance!!! Don't be a sour puss at wedding!  Dance your ass off.  Even if you are a horrible dancer, which most of us are (except for me, I'm awesome) dance anyway!  Its the best way to have fun with your friends.  Generally good bands play at weddings, fun bands that play up to the crowd, so just let loose.  But be aware of the dreaded "electric slide."  If you get caught in that crush you are likely to pull a muscle or tear a ligament. 

So if you are single these are just a few tidbits to remember or just live by.  If you have trouble remembering them then please feel free to rent Wedding Crashers or just wait for it to air on TBS (but that's not nearly as good because they have to edit out a lot, including all the boobies).  Oh , its true what they said too, tattoo on the lower back - might as well be a bulls eye.

I want to kick your body all over

I was recently dirty texting with a girl friend (Naomi for purpose of the story) of mine.  Back and forth we kept sending naughty messages to one another while i was riding the train back home.  I love dirty texting with Naomi because she has an active imagination and is very kinky thus i am always amused while being turned on.  I will admit that even sometimes i am quite astounded by the things she writes.  I don't know if she would ever even imagine doing half the things that comes across our phones but its fun to read them and on lonely days does the trick.  

But this time specifically i think i took it to a whole different level.  It always starts mildly but heats up rather quickly.  Texts about appearances and kissing shortly thereafter become quite graphic.  I forget exactly what she said but i responded to her with "I want to lick your body all over." I sat there on a packed train glancing over my shoulder, half expecting someone to know but not wanting to be exposed for the pervert that i really am.  Something about engaging in dirty text in a public arena is scintillating.  You are not such a deviant that you are engaging in any physical act open to everyone around you yet you are exercising your hormones discreetly.  I was surprised when she responded "wtf? thats some weird ass kinky shit."  Confused, eyes squinting, neck straining back a little ... i pondered.  Ive seen Naomi type some freaky shit before... believe me, freaky ass shit so i couldn't imagine what she was talking about.  Curious, i went through my sent messages and had seen that the actual text i sent was a misunderstanding via the T9 option on my phone.  Thus instead of typing "lick" i actually wrote "kick".  In actuality i had sent her "I want to kick your body all over."  

A blunder of Atonement proportions.  Certainly i was not confusing graphic letters describing dirty cunts for confessions of love but still, who knows what type of repercussions could have resulted.  Perhaps i finally would have freaked her out.  Perhaps it would have opened up a door to some sexually violently texts discussing slapping, fantasy rape, asphyxiation or something involving 2girls1cup.  But i do have to admit the image of me sitting there kicking her body all over did make me smirk a little and once i explained it to Naomi, she found it entertaining as well.