Praise the Lord

Can you love too much... one step towards the middle, one step towards the edge. My arms come around your hips and i want to take you, just this once so we can remember what it was like when we were desperate enough to give in, inside and outside as long as its side by side.

Hummingbirds flitter by and say "la la la" - it sounds like a soul song and it takes you back to the doo wop and the bee bop... the days when i could carry your books back from school right up to your doorstep and your mother would yell me off your front stoop. I would come back once the moon set and throw pebbles at your window waiting for venus to kiss your lips and you to say good evening.

hand in hand
flowers by your bedside
diary under your mattress
you sing in the mirror
about me
and what it will be like

stay with me tonight, just for a lil while, ill touch you tenderly and we will remember what it was like our first time, nervous gestures, holding my breath when we are close just in case its not pleasant, your fingertips in my mouth resting on my teeth, biting your neck just so softly. we wont fuss, we wont cry, its all we need. the first time wasnt perfect but thats why we keep working at it, we want to get it right so we can do it again and again.

everytime is the last time, its on our mind and we practice it again and again. our love should be a motown song sung by marvin gaye and tammy terrell. ill be your preacher and you will pray, on your knees with your hands together, speaking in tongues and blessing oh lord,

oh lord
oh lord
oh lord

pray for forgiveness, pray for mercy, cuz it has cum
over and over again, no need to stay on your knees because soon you will need to be on your back, laying down and letting jesus becum you, cross your hand over your chest, up down, left right, once again just to be sure

when im done with you, you will know heaven

Its All Fantasy

I am not in the NBA. I have not played competitive organized basketball since 1998 when i was a senior in highschool at Friends Select in center city Philadelphia. I attempt to play basketball a few times a week but alas, over the years i have had numerous injuries ranging from tendinitis in my knee and shoulders, torn ligaments in my ankles, broken ribs etc etc... The older i get the more my body seems to reject the notion of consistently playing basketball. Thus all i have left to indulge my dreams of NBA superstardom (or even a 12th man on the bench) is fantasy basketball.

Mid October every year. The oppressive heat of the summer gives way to the cool kiss of the fall winds. The shake off their green hue and display a technicolor dream coat that leaves even Joseph in awe. Basketball players lace up their sneaks, rubber soles sqeaking on hard wood as they break up and down the court. And the common fan can have a part of it in the fantasy world. At this time every year i gather with a group of friends to draft our teams. The weeks leading up to the draft are spent talking about the upcoming season. We talk about projections, about players, about teams, about how awesome it is that the boredom of summer sports gives way to the fastest growing sport in the world. We wonder if basketball will take over soccer as the number one sport worldwide one day and whether or not it can be a conduit to peace between warring countries. We worship at the alter of basketball and the fantasy draft is our form of prayer.

I am in three fantasy basketball leagues this year and last night was my first draft. This is by far the most important of the three drafts as there is a $100 buy in and in April if you stand at the top of the 12 teams that are registered you can win $1000. The day was spent doing massive research online instead of doing the research that we should have done for our actual places of employment. Dozens of text messages were sent back and forth between all of us. Phone calls were placed, the excitement was brewing.

The draft is like Christmas. Its something you look forward to for months. Its not only a sign that the season is upon us but its also your own personal stake in the NBA. Not only will you cheer for your favorite team but now you will also cheer for players on your fantasy team. Its okay if a player on my fantasy team like Kobe Bryant scores 50 points against my real favorite team, the Philadelphia 76ers as long as the Sixers win. But i need Kobe to score those points, and also pick up some assists, steals, threes, and shoot high percentages. But please dont beat the 76ers on the court in reality.

So if the draft is like Xmas, then when Yahoo Sports system goes down and doesnt allow anyone to enter your live online draft - that must be like finding out Santa Claus is not real. Last night 12 of us were signed online eagerly awaiting the draft when the "enter live draft now" button never appeared. Text messages sent, phone calls placed, as most of us panicked at the thought that one of us would miss the draft. Nay, it was all of us. None of us would be able to draft our team as the system would go ahead and draft for us automatically. We all sent angry emails to Yahoo and shortly there after received emails from the server host apologizing and saying it would be remedied and we would be able to draft again on Sunday afternoon. Sunday afternoon, a time when we are asured to be home watching our favorite football teams and cheering for our fantasy football players to score 3 touchdowns. As long as they dont score the winning touchdown against our favorite teams.

Its All Fantasy.

Oh Happy Day! Clay is Gay!

In case you haven't heard Clay Aiken is gay. This was actually a headline and the top news story on Yahoo.com on Tuesday evening September 23, 2008.

I am actually very happy they reported this breaking news. Ever since Clay broke on to the scene on American Idol back in 2003 as a skinny lil college student from the mid atlantic i had always wondered about his sexuality. I lay up late at night thinking about what he looked like without his shirt on and wondered whether or not, if he knew me, he would wonder the same about me. I kept imagining him in a Seacrest/Cowell sandwich with my dogg Randy Jackson close by giving them the "Hoo Hoo". Now to know that he is gay, i am comforted believing that he possibly fantasized about the same things too.

ClayMates across the nation lets join hands. Amidst all the political turmoil, all the wars, the economic recession, the all american yankees struggles in their final season at this yankee stadium, let us join hands, especially of all of us men. All of us men in banana hammocks ordered from international male, caked in glistening tanning oil without a hair on our body lets join hands and then join bodies and give Clay our support. Because we all know that he needs it and when we do support him you can bet Yahoo news will be their to report it.

Bailouts!

So not only has the bush administration spent our money like a 13 year old looking for a quick sugar fix in a candy shop (mind you this 13 year old is extremely hyper yet lazy and is somewhere around 400 pounds), but now he is asking for close to $1trillion to help bailout beleaguered financial institutions!!! WTF!!!!??

Bush gives banks carte blanche to run amok during his terms in office and then sticks the taxpayers with the bill. Its like you are planning a reunion for a bunch of your highschool buddies when one friend who you arent particularly close with (but hes someones brother) says "dont worry, i got the hook up at the club, we will be straight, i got us vip bottle service!" You and your buddies get all excited, you take a limo to the joint and down copious amounts of redbull and vodka on your way there. You pull up to the spot ready to do the damn thing, the line is wrapped around the block but you dont worry, your friend has the hook up right?! Sure enough you go to the front of the line and all of a sudden said friend turns and says "alright yo, let me get your credit card cuz they wont let us in!" This really happened. And thats what bush and all his cronies are attempting to do to us.

We will be stuck with the bill and left with a dead dollar whose worth will value my crusty toe nails and some lint in my pockets. If we have learned anything its that short term solutions dont work. You dont spend massive amounts of money to save money. You pull yourself up by the bootstraps and dig in. You get ready for the long hall and dont trust doods who say they have the hook up for the vip bottle service (bush).

The Klan Rally - RNC

I know its a bit far north from the usual Klan meetings but something about 20.000 white people gathering together to preach their beliefs seems eerily familiar to a klan rally.  It looks like the most homogenous crowd ever assembled for national television.  Theres more whities there then at a free Creed concert.  I realize i am from the north east but every other person has a cowboy hat and every other woman has shoulder pads.  They also all probably have automatic weapons tucked into their waste bands.  Once in a while you will see a black person in the crowd and i have to believe that they have been voted off the island.  They definitely cant go back home. 

Moving on... Right now Rudy is preaching his agenda and the crowd has busted out saying "Drill Baby Drill!"  I think im about to vomit.  I think i just vomitted a lil bit in my mouth.  No i dont think, i just did, literally.  Every other point the republicans argue revolves around liberals being to PC and calling out the DNC as being to easy on radical muslim terrorists.  Whats funny is that the Republicans have control of the white house, theyve had control for the last 8 years.  Which means the Dems havent really had the opportunity to do anything about the so called "war on terrorism."   It seems eerily similar to the same fear mongering that the Bush administration has used to trick the dumbass fundamentalist conservatives over the last 8 years.  

Palin just stepped on the stage.  I have to admit that shes kind of got that hot librarian thing going on.  I kind of feel like im in the video for "Hot For Teacher."  If she wasnt so crazy i might sleep with her.  But then id be afraid that she would pull a Praying Mantis on me and take off my head with an AK-47.  

After five minutes all she has done is introduced her family.  I think she is gearing up to play the "fued".  With her hockey sticks and weapons she would probably dominate Family Fued.  I am waiting for her to say something of substance because those far she has just taken pot shots at Obama and has said nothing about what she stands for.  I dont think she has blinked the whole time up there either.  I think she might be a robot.  She just promised to use the "power of veto."  So instead of actually getting stuff done she is promising to make sure that nothing gets done.   

Ugh, honestly i feel physically ill so im just gonna end this ... 

for the love of god america, step the fuck up and knock these bitches out 

4 Minutes to Save Straight Men and Women All Over

Is it me or does anyone else think of Captain Hook and Smee when they hear "4 Minutes" by Madonna and JT.  Every time Madonna chimes in "Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock" i just think of Robin Williams in a liatard trying to stick Dustin Hoffman and Bob Hoskins with a wooden stick.  At some point in the song the clocktower alligator has to start dancing.  Also if you are gonna write a song with a hook "We only got 4 minutes to save the world" , wouldn't it make sense to actually make the song 4 minutes?  I assume they are saying that a boy and girl gyrating to their music will infact save the world in that short amount of time (save it from what though i have no idea, bad music maybe?).  But then they are leaving out all homosexuals across the planet since they specifically targeted a man and woman together (republican agenda?).  I find this last part especially alarming considering that most of the modern world knows that Madge has dipped her tongue in Georgia O' Keefes ink well.  

Hmm... something is a miss within the pop world.    

Wedding Season and the Bachelor

The last six weeks i have been traveling all over the northeast, Midwest and parts of Canada as I've been wedding hopping as a single bachelor.  I am in my late twenties and have been fully entrenched in the wedding season of my life for the last two years.  Weddings present all of us with great reasons to drink, dance and have sex with random wedding goers all whilst feeling a sense of loneliness, togetherness, regret, positivity and ultimately massive confusion.  With that said here are a few pointers ... 

1.  I have been to a dozen or so weddings the last few years.  They have run the gamut of weddingness.  A wonderfully ornate and over the top wedding in Egypt, followed by a low key one in a friends back yard in Philly.  Another wedding set up in the most beautiful islands of Lake Superior in Canada and another in the concrete jungle of NYC .  What I've realized is that it doesn't matter where you are, it just matters how drunk you get with your friends.  If you drink a lil and remain conscious then ultimately you ll be left with your thoughts and that's always dangerous in large groups of drunk people.  If you are single like i am, you start wondering why you are indeed still single while all your friends have seemingly found happiness with another.  So its necessary that you drink as much as possible so you forget it all.  Also drinking makes the next point easier... 

2.  The wedding hookup.  There are always single people at weddings and that's what can really make a wedding fun.  I'm not saying to whore yourself out.  But really its up to your own moral agenda how promiscuous you decide to act.  And that's whats great about weddings, there is no moral agenda.  Its like this vacuum of ethical ambiguity that excuses all type of scandalous behavior.  In fact being a slut is almost encouraged at weddings, as long as you are not the bride or groom.  People expect emotions to flow.  When emotions flow so do bad decisions.  Weddings are the only place where bad decisions are allowed, well weddings and war.  So embrace it.  And if you cant find someone that you find attractive, then keep drinking!!! At a recent wedding a friend approached me with a scouting report.  We both agreed that the best we could find was a 6 out of 10.  Hours later i was quoted as saying "Drunk at 3am, those 6's quickly become a 7."  So true.  Moving on... 

3.  Weddings are frickin' expensive.  We all know this to be true.  But with the economy tanking its even more so.  Plus with their actually being a "wedding season" they hit you one after the other and its easily enough to bankrupt a person.  What is worse is that you cant make the bride or groom feel guilty about it because its "their day."  Maybe a few months down the road but not at the wedding.  They key to all this is to remember each guest has one year to deliver the wedding gift.  Its amazing how many people don't know this.  I guess one year there had to be a guy who went postal during wedding season after the banks foreclosed on his home.  SO they made an addendum and now we all have up to a year after the date of the wedding to get a gift for our beloved "just married" friends.  Thank god for this rule.  Just remember though that you get to bankrupt all your friends one day with your own destination wedding.  I'm going to Hawaii bitches. 

4.  Dance!!! Don't be a sour puss at wedding!  Dance your ass off.  Even if you are a horrible dancer, which most of us are (except for me, I'm awesome) dance anyway!  Its the best way to have fun with your friends.  Generally good bands play at weddings, fun bands that play up to the crowd, so just let loose.  But be aware of the dreaded "electric slide."  If you get caught in that crush you are likely to pull a muscle or tear a ligament. 

So if you are single these are just a few tidbits to remember or just live by.  If you have trouble remembering them then please feel free to rent Wedding Crashers or just wait for it to air on TBS (but that's not nearly as good because they have to edit out a lot, including all the boobies).  Oh , its true what they said too, tattoo on the lower back - might as well be a bulls eye.